Swinging Rules: Who are they really for?

There has been a lot of discussion of rules in many circles we’re in lately. Many of the discussions seem to focus on a few areas that can lead to trouble if we, as a community, don’t address them responsibly and respectfully. Even though singles need to have rules for themselves as well, this post is generally written to address couples and their rules.

The Importance of Rules

Source: Google Images

You, as a couple, need rules and guidelines of how to interact with people and still show respect and consideration for your partner.

Rules are a way to create security within a lifestyle that is, by design, a risk.

We take calculated risks every day. Driving in our cars COULD lead to wrecks; walking busy streets COULD lead to getting hit by a car or bus, drinking alcohol COULD lead to many bad decisions or results, etc. All of these risks come with some type of rules to make them safer. Traffic laws, crosswalks & signals, and drinking responsibly are all examples of rules or guidelines that are intended to keep us safe during risky situations. The swinging lifestyle is no different.

​​Rules are also agreements between both sides of a couple (or more, if that's your dynamic). These agreements are supposed to be mutually discussed and decided in order to give you a sense of understanding about what you and your partner value in these situations.

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The Flaw with Swingers Rules

Rules are not universal. Everyone plays differently. Every has their own set of rules. 

The flaw that many swingers make, newbies and experienced alike, is expecting others to know or remember your rules. You cannot expect people to know or remember unless you effectively and consistently communicate those rules.

For this reason, it's extremely important that you decide on rules for you and your partner that are easily communicated to others. AND, if you or your partner breaks a rule that was not communicated to the "others", you must only hold yourselves responsible. Don't get angry with the people who didn't make or know the rules.

Rules May Differ

Couples are responsible for setting their own rules, and they may value certain things differently from you, which leads to different rules.

​Some common rules we encounter from newbies are: 

1. Everyone has to communicate before any flirting or more happens.
2. No online/text communication between opposite sexes. (Only the guys talk and only the girls talk via text/messenger/chat/etc. )
3. No Kissing

While these are normal rules for newbies who are dipping toes in the water, most experienced swinger couples will avoid these newbies. Not because they are dumb rules (even though they kinda are) but because they indicate that the couple has not truly explored the depths of what the lifestyle is and what insecurities they may be holding on to. 

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Thoughtful Rules

To really break it down to simplest terms, rules are designed to provide your partner with a sense of security when you're doing something that breaks the traditional rules of society.

Your partner wants to see and feel that you are still connected to them when you are getting naughty with others. As sweet as the intention is, it's can be a sign of aforementioned insecurities. It can often lead to very shallow rules like the ones mentioned above. ​

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Experienced swingers have broader rules and contingency plans.
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Rules like:

1. We don't play unless we are feeling 100% taken care of at home.
2. We don't bring our drama to parties. If we are experiencing drama, we don't go. 
3. If I bring up a "signal topic" or give a non-verbal signal at a party, I discreetly want out of the conversation I am in with others.
4. If something breaks our normal practice, we'll use colors to indicate whether we want to 
   1. Green - Keep Going
   2. Yellow - Proceed, but adjust something for more comfort
   3. Red - Stop respectfully
   4. Black - Halt everything, even if we have to be rude.​​ ​

The purpose of broader rules is to acknowledge that some new, unplanned situations that you may encounter WILL be fun if you give them the opportunity. While other situations need an immediate exit, even if you have experienced them before.

by Daniel

Daniel is a pan-sexual, open-lifestyle advocate and event-organizer who has used his appearance on PlayboyTV, with wife, Nikki, to commit to being a voice for the unprotected class of non-traditional relationships.